How to Substitute Teach

7:45am  Wake up late.  There's no reason to show up early or on time for a job when you aren't even the real teacher.  Plus, by arriving late, you make the day go quicker, as there is less time left in your day.

8:16am  Arrive late to school, argue with yourelf about getting out of your car, or driving back home.  Cry out of anger/frustration/self loathing/sorrow.

8:20am check in with snarky, pompous, self-righteous school office staff.  Pretend to be nice to them in order to procure more work for yourself in the future.  Ignore the sick feeling in your stomach. 

8:22am  Pretend that you didn't know that the classroom door was locked and the students were knocking to get into the classroom.  If you're lucky, they wont send a custodian to open the door for a good 15-20 minutes.

8:30am  Take roll, and intentionally mispronounce the names of students.  This way they will be too busy making fun of each other to make fun of you for being a substitute teacher/being exhausted/throwing up in your mouth a little/looking like you were crying in your car before school.
8:45am  Pass out worksheets or assign vocabulary to keep the asshole kids busy while you wake up.    Stare off into space as you wonder if you're too old to learn how to work with computers.

8:49am  Stare at your watch and wonder how the hell time is going so slow.

9:14am  Scour the internet looking for a new job.  Try to decide between getting a forklift certification or learning how to weld.

11:43am  Release students to lunch early so you can cry, pray, and question your life decisions leading up to this point.

12:45pm  As students come back from lunch, try to repress your rage and self loathing enough to take roll again.

12:47pm   Stare blankly at the wall, wondering how your life got to this point.

1:00pm   Strongly consider joining the military.

1:22pm  Get in text message argument with significant other.

1:45-3:15  Take it easy and relax for the rest of the day.